No Virgins At All
by Ardwynna Morrigu
Summary: There's a disturbing lot about humans that Sephiroth, Angeal and Genesis just don't understand. [Fantasy AU]


Fantasy AU written for Trope_Bingo on Dreamwidth. Title from "Do Virgins Taste Better?" as sung by the Brobdingnagian Bards.

**No Virgins At All**

Ordinarily, Sephiroth would have righted the armored skeleton Genesis had set at the cave entrance as a 'decorative warning'. It saved time and a great deal of arguing. But it was snowing out and his claws were full.

"Is that you, Sephiroth?" Genesis asked. "Did you knock over my knight?"

"I'll fix it later, promise" Sephiroth said, tucking his wings down to fit through the tunnel. "I was out raiding that human lair in the mountains."

"Again?" Genesis rearranged his wings around himself and rolled over. "You really don't like the place, do you?"

Sephiroth's wings fluttered. "They had an offering set out already so I didn't have to burn it down this time."

Genesis stretched and yawned, fangs glistening. "Sheep and goats, I suppose."

Sephiroth peered into his cupped claws. "Not quite."

Angeal stirred on his rock, swinging his tail around to his other side. "Not fish, I hope. They don't keep."

"Um, no." Sephiroth set his forepaws down on the ground. "See for yourself." He parted his claws to reveal a young yellow-spiked human. The poor thing fell to the ground immediately and scurried backwards till it bumped into a pile of the hoard, sending a wave of gil coins rushing across the floor.

Genesis opened both eyes. "A human? What in Bahamut's name did you go and bring one of them in for?"

"Well, that's the offering."

"What kind of offering is that?" Angeal said, looking the yellow-spiked human over. "It's awful skinny." The human was wearing rather thin coverings for the weather, and had its little forelimbs wrapped around itself. "Looks cold too. I don't like cold human. What do you say, Genesis, medium rare?"

"Pfft, that scrawny thing's not worth sharing." Genesis huffed, sending twin plumes of blue flame through his nostrils. "Help yourselves. I've a full enough belly for the winter anyway."

"I didn't bring it for eating," Sephiroth said, blocking the human's escape with his tail. "This one's special."

"Is it, now?" Genesis leaned off his rock for a closer look. The little human was breathing hard but made no sudden moves. It turned its head away as Genesis took a careful sniff. "Still skinny," was the verdict, "but it does smell… interesting."

"That's why it's the offering," Sephiroth answered, folding his wings over his back in satisfaction. "The herd leader claims this is an actual breeding age virgin, the only one they've got."

Genesis leaned over the edge of his rock. "Virgin, eh? I've never had one. Every time we find a new herd they always say they've no virgins at all."

"They might have thought this one was too thin for breeding," Angeal said, flicking his forked tongue out in the human's direction.

"Stop that." Sephiroth swept a leathery wing around the person. "It's called 'Cloud', it says, and I promised we wouldn't eat it."

"You don't go making promises to food, Sephiroth," Angeal said, "and you know you shouldn't ask their names either. It's so hard to eat them once you get attached."

"You would know," Genesis grumbled and settled back on his dais. "Do virgins really taste better, you suppose?"

"I wouldn't know and it doesn't matter," Sephiroth said. "I brought it for Zack." The human tried slipping out the side but Sephiroth noticed and upended a large empty treasure chest over it to keep it contained.

Angeal sat up. "For Zack, you say?" He lifted one wing and turned his eye on his sleeping pet. The little dark-spiked human lay curled against Angeal's broad side, pillowed on a deep blue hindpaw.

"Would sleep through the second coming of Bahamut, that one," Genesis said, sighing smoke to the ceiling.

"I was going to eat it, honest," Sephiroth said, "but then I saw its head spikes. They're a lot like Zack's and I remembered Zack's breeding age himself now, and he does get lonely when we're all out. So I got him a mate."

"That's very thoughtful of you, Sephiroth," Angeal said, stroking Zack's soft head spines. His human pet was the only soft spot Angeal had, besides the usual one on his belly. Angeal and Sephiroth both turned their eyes to Genesis for the final word.

Genesis sighed. "Oh, alright, I promise not to eat it. But it better lay Zack a nice clutch of eggs."

"I don't think humans lay eggs, Gen," Angeal said.

"They don't?" Sephiroth thumped a hind leg. "That's unfortunate. I had sort of hoped to get breakfast out of the bargain."

Angeal set a wing over his sleeping pet again. "Just as well. I don't think I could bring myself to eat Zack's little ones. Why, it would be like eating my own hatchlings."

Genesis rolled his eyes. "And you tell us not to get attached."

"What would you propose we do?" Sephiroth asked. "If we don't make some attempt at population control there'll be humans all over the cave. We'll be overrun."

"And we'd have to feed them too." Genesis said. "Every day. And clean them and train them and play with them."

"And don't forget walkies," Sephiroth added.

Angeal scratched his head. "I suppose we could give some of them away. We've had such good luck with Zack, after all. Fine temperament, intelligent and trainable. Domesticated humans, great family pet. Good lesson in responsibility for the little ones."

Sephiroth flapped his wings in agreement. "Hatchlings might learn to appreciate hunting their dinners better once they see how much trouble human-rearing is."

"It might even be a good project for them," Genesis said. "Rear a human, see who can fatten them best. We could have a contest next lair-meet. But I may be getting ahead of myself."

"There's always releasing them into the wild," Sephiroth said, nudging the treasure chest with one wicked talon, "once they're old enough to fend for themselves, that is. Can't hurt to replenish the wild stock."

"Not a bad plan at all," Genesis said. "Shall we let them get to it, then?"

"Yes, but don't push them," Angeal said. "These things have got to take their natural course." Sephiroth picked the chest up. The little yellow-spiked human lay on the cave floor, gasping for breath.

"Sephiroth, you great gecko, you forgot airholes," Genesis chided, swatting at Sephiroth with a crimson wing.

"Zack, dear," Angeal said, nudging his pet gently. "Here, Zackie! Here, boy! Wake up! Sephiroth brought you a present."

Zack woke and yawned and stretched while Angeal looked on beatifically. Genesis snorted. He had grown accustomed to Zack but he never could see what was so adorable about human antics.

"Zack?" Angeal leaned in closer to hear the little human voice.

"Mmm?" Zack reached up and nuzzled Angeal's jaw. "Present?"

Sephiroth pushed the new human towards Angeal's dais. "A new friend."

"Oh, I hope they don't fight," Genesis said, trying not to crowd them.

"Friend?" Zack looked wide eyed and stunned. "Awesome!" He hopped off the dais and approached the shivering young man. "Hey, are you okay? What's your name?"

"Are they going to eat me?" the blond asked, trying to keep all three dragons in view. "The black one said he wouldn't but I don't know about these other two."

"What, them? Nah. I'm pretty sure they're keeping you."

"For what? Afternoon tea?" The boy seemed to be on the verge of hysterics.

"No, no," Zack said. "Look, I'm Zack. Angeal here picked me up when I was knee high to a goat. He could have eaten me but they let me live here instead. And now you're here too."

The young man shivered. "They're not going to eat me?"

"Don't you worry, buddy," Zack said, slinging an arm around the young man. "I won't let 'em." He made a note to set the blond up with some furs from the hoard. "What's your name?"

"Cloud."

"Come on, Cloud. Let me show you around. I have a great set-up in the back, a real bed and everything."

The drakes watched their young pets head off to the play area, making the high-pitched chittering sounds of human conversation as they went. Angeal smiled. "Looks promising."


End file.
